Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
