i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
