I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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