he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The feeling are messing with the penis
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
