Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
