did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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