"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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