There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
