I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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