well I can't set my house on fire every night
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
