I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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