i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
