Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think your dad took our porno
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
