im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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