Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
