You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
