My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
