Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
