so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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