i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
