dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
