bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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