Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
