Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
