I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
