he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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