You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
