i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
