Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
