i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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