I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
