I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
