I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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