He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
