Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
