he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
