my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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