You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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