that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
