I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
