My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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