that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
