When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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