woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
