we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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