I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
