She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
