My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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