I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
