ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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